Earlier, I wrote about some emails between me and the Nigerian Scammer, Robert S Dewar. If you will indulge me, I would like to continue the story.
My last email to Robert was a little crazy. I thought to myself that there would be no way this guy would reply. Surely he would see that I’m just playing with him, right? Erm, no. This is what I got:
I so much feel for you for such parasympathetic attitude from your wife, but my friend, a man is the head of the home and must be respected by all including wife
Ma, grab m’ gun. We gots us a Christian boy, and he’s sure got himself a purdy mouth. What was that passage from the Bible again? Oh yes, Ephesians 5:22. Remember, people, for every Mother Teresa there’s a Fred Phelps just waiting around the corner with a placard and a distorted version of reality. And they say that Muslims have all the issues. Doesn’t John 8:7 mean anything to anyone anymore?
Anyway, back to Robert. He continued:
You have to let your wife know that there is period for everything, I will not forever be working on this project while others have shown cooperation and have received their own card, if possible I will love to speak with her myself.
All very formal, to be sure. Robert was always quite formal in his replies. He kept telling me how busy he was, and how he could not understand why I was causing so much bother to him – other people have received their ATM card within 72 hours, blah blah blah. For me, there was only one problem, and that was my rather rotund, stick-wielding, wife. I wrote my reply to Robert:
Robert, GOOD NEWS!!!
I am leaving my wife. I have drugged her and tied her up so i should have some time. I need to get as far away as i can so i have decided that i will be flying to Nigeria on Monday. I would be honoured to meet you and collect the ATM card from you personally. How does that sound? I will meet you at the bank that you so kindly supplied the address details.
I need to start packing. This is an exciting time in my life. I would like to share my new windfall with you. Because you have been so kind to me, I will give you $500,000
Once again, surely this had to be the final email. I mean, who on earth would tie up and drug their wife just so they could get access to a few million dollars? Not this little black duck
I waited patiently for another email from Robert, but expected to not hear from him again. It took two days, but:
You should let me know when you confirm your ticket but before you start coming, make sure you take your wife to the hospoital, an adult would not do what you have just done and you have to do something about it, organize your home before going for money. money is not everything, the joy your family will, money will not, it can only solve promblem that there is solution to, and the only solution to joy is true love and happiness and that is the family of a man, beside every great man there is always a woman.
By now, I am sure most of you are thinking of that famous “Pulp Fiction” scene where Samuel L Jackson is talking to the “What” guy.
He went on:
What ever way you prefer is okay, your coming down to get the card is the best and I will be glad for you, meanwhile in the other hand, I do not support you druging your wife, it is an offence against humanity and against God, I am a christian and I will never suport you for doing that, you where supposed to seek for legal divorce if at all you cannot find any better alternative.
Druging your wife is a devilish act and you will convicted whether here in Nigeria or Australia. Meanwhile here is the address of the bank again: 38 Zik Avenue,Awka, Anambra State.
So many possibilities to take this adventure. What should I do next? Should I untie the sloth, or leave her lying to rot whilst I jump on a plane to collect my fortune?