Saturday, 1 June 2013

Nigerian Scammers Part 3


So, we’ve come to the end. This is the final instalment of my adventure with the Nigerian Scammer, Robert S Dewar. So far, I have my wife tied up and drugged so that I can come to Nigeria and collect an ATM card linked to an account with $2.5 million, all for me. What else can I do?


First up, I had to respond to his latest email and string him along by asking something “odd”. After careful discussion with a couple of colleagues, we decided getting a scanned copy of the ATM card would be enough. My excuse was that I needed it to show my now semi-conscious wife that Robert was legitimate. Robert complained that this would take him time, so I had to give him a couple of days – being a God-fearing man, he had to go to Church.
After I hadn’t heard from him in a few days, I thought I’d catch up and see how he was going:
My wife is concious now but she wouldn’t stop screaming so I shoved an oily rag in her mouth. Is that wrong?
I look forward to seeing the card so I can shut this bitch up for good.
Still no replies.
I wrote to him again a few days later:
Hi Robert,
Do you have any update for me? I would like to see the card so I can show it to my wife.
I have another update for you. As I mentioned in my previous email, I shoved an oily rag in my wife’s mouth to shut her up. However, she has gone a weird shade of blue, and she lapses in and out of conciousness but at least she’s not dead……..yet. Have you seen the TV show Dexter? It’s giving me some fantastic ideas :)
Waiting on the ATM card.
Paul
Robert must be a fan of Dexter, because it prompted him to respond. No more “Dear Paul”.
Attention Paul
I want you to stop writing me email, if you cannot send the mailing fee, if this is a joke, I think I am through with it, though I have been asked to cancel your atm card if you do not send the mailing fee before 48 hours.
I want you to know that if you should go through all the email we have been sending, you will find out that I have been nice to you by providing you with all the information you needed. Anyone with simple mind should be able to be convinced with all the information I have provided and to tell you the fact, I am not an expert in the internet, sometimes it takes me one hours to write you the emails you receive from me, because I am a slow typer.
Robert
All together now…………….AWWWWWWWWWW.
Poor Robert.
Poor, poor, old, with limited-eyesight and arthrithic fingers, Robert S Dewar.
Robert
I have already offered you $500000 for all the help you have given me so far. I cannot increase it any further. Please do all that you can to get me the scan of the atm card. Then I will arrange the fee you asked.
Regards
Paul
Through all of this, I often wondered if Robert was reading through all of the emails between he and I or if he was taking each on face-value. I mean, there were approximately 70 emails that went between us over a period of about 6 weeks. My hope is that all of his attention was on me and no one else. I could tell that his patience was starting to wear thin with me:
Attention Paul
Your email has been recieved, meanwhile I want you to send me an official letter authorizing me to send you the scan copy of the ATM CARD, so that it will be officially known that you asked me to do that, so send me an official letter of authorization, with your company letter heading if you have any.
Robert
How very official.
Robert,
This is an official email, using my official email address. Please officially make an official scan copy of the official ATM card and offically send it to me.
Officially yours,
Paul
More to’ing and fro’ing ensued, discussing how I was very serious, that I would get a cheque made up for the processing fee for the ATM card, “how excited I am to be receiving such a large amount of money”. All that is kinda boring, so I’ll leave most of it out. Finally, to prove my sincerity, I spoke with Robert on the telephone. We chatted about the weather in Nigeria, currency rates, my semi-conscious wife and, of course, The Cheque. I found it rather difficult to maintain a straight face during the conversation, unfortunately I must have laughed too many times because Robert hung up on me.
Hi Robert, did you hang up on me? You sounded very angry, I hope you didn’t have a heart attack.
As I said, I have already had a cheque drawn up so I am going to have to send that.
Can you please give me your DHL account details so I can get the cheque shipped to you over the weekend?
Regards
Paul
I think once I used the “Setup a DHL Account” idea against him, he finally realised he was being fooled. The game was rapidly coming to an end. This time, I was sure of it.
Attention Paul
I will never be tired of responding to your unseriousness until after tomorrow, if you do not send the money by western union by tomorrow, you will no longer receive any email or update in regards to this card, I have given you the payment information, if you wish to continue to joke, just continue to do that, in my own aprt, every seriousness or joke ends tomorrow.
In regards to the heart attack, I have nothing to do with that, unless you wish your self such problem, not me.
Robert
Is “unseriousness” even a word?
Robert,
What is this unseriousness of which you speak? In good faith, I have arranged for a cheque made out to the name you have provided and now you tell me that you cannot receive it? I have never had any problems in the past, including in Nigeria.
I will tell you what I will do. If you give me your DHL account details, I will send cash. I think that is fair. I am trusting you that you will still send me the card once you receive the cash.
So, please provide me your address and DHL account details and I will get the shipment organised straight away.
I’m so very glad to hear that you didn’t have a heart attack, as I wish you nothing but good will. You are a good friend to me, if you ever come to Australia you should look me up. I will hook you up with some white meat.
Kind regards
Paul
No replies. Robert either died, went blind, or was coming to Australia to kill me.
My final email to him said:
I’m very disappointed in you, Robert. When you believed that you had found a victim of your pathetic little scam, you were only too happy to send me emails and to call me. But once you found out that you’d been tricked into believing you’d found another victim, I no longer hear from you. I thought you were my friend, Robert. We’ve been through a lot together, and this is how you are going to end it?
I know that Robert S Dewar is not his real name. I didn’t care. Like I said from the beginning, all I wanted to do was to distract these criminals long enough so that they wouldn’t be scamming anyone else.
Did I achieve my aim? I’ll never know. But, it was fun while it lasted.
Thanks Robert S Dewar, my BFF.